So why another article you ask?  Just an unselfish attempt to provide some sort of encouragement to those ‘deep in the trenches’ of a hydroplane restoration and let them know they are not alone.  I’m also attempting to forgo the anticipated psychiatrist visits by using this article as a means to snap myself out of the severe depression I’m falling into at the end of a fantastic racing season. 

For those of you who are old veterans, for those of you who just completed your first season and for those of you getting ready for their maiden voyage, here are some rules to live by I learned after becoming a member of the now infamous ‘Vintage Family’.

Wait until the absolute last minute.

Being prepared for boat racing is a goal you should give up on before the thought of running a vintage hydroplane forms in your head.  If you are ready it only means you have forgot something.  If you are running behind it means you are getting work done you never thought was possible in an unheard of time frame.  The result?  It makes no difference whatsoever if you are prepared, just roll with it.  When you are not ready, bring all the parts with you to the event in a large box and challenge the closest standing vintage members to help you get your boat running.  I bet those without large boxes in front of them jump right in.  Remember, this is a highly skilled, partly insane group of people who believe you can skip a large piece of wood on top of the water.  Your problem will be solved with meticulous precision and in record time - trust me.  So put on that last coat of varnish or epoxy the final piece of plywood before pulling out of your driveway to head towards an event.  Besides, a long drive allows for varnish and epoxy to dry with a fan larger then you could ever fit in your shop.

Time stands still when you need it.

Another strange thing I noticed is there is an astronomical difference between walking into the pits and saying “Hey look at the nifty restored vintage hydroplane” and being the sleepless red-eyed hydroplane restorer who trucked the rig down early that morning.  No matter how careful you plan for an event there is always something coming up days before the race putting all of your plans in complete jeopardy.  If asked at that exact moment “Are you going to attend?” your answer is “I have no idea now!”  Trust me, almost everything can be fixed and in a time frame that does not seem humanly possible.  At each vintage event you will hear stories about “I pulled the engine out last night and rebuilt it therefore I think it will run better today” and “Funny how I put on a new bottom and redid all the varnish just last week”.  Be careful when you cast a ‘Man you are some kind of lying fool’ in the direction of the yarn spinner.  Look very closely at how tired he or she really looks and see if you can detect constant signs of nervous energy.  Those are sure signs of a vintage hydroplane nut.  Now would you believe you could completely disassemble your entire hull 2 days before the Madison race?  I mean EVERY bolted bracket/engine/drive shaft/fuel tank you name it and then put it all back together and show up on time.  I would have to say that sounds like the biggest lie ever told but my Father and I can swear on a bible put in front of us.  Don’t sweat it.  You will make it to that event and time will stand still for you.  Of course, if you really can’t make an event another one is right around the corner with our growing vintage circuit.  Of course, you can always use the ‘throw everything in a large box’ theory and head out as well. 

A new center of gravity.

I learned the effects of gravity on an object by sitting through one too many lectures in engineering school.  However, the chapter every book of infinite wisdom seemed to have left out was how hydroplane parts defy the laws of gravity.  Also, I had no idea previously unnoticed points can now be designated as the new ‘centers of the universe’.  I discovered these points occur at precisely three places on every hydroplane and their intensity is inversely proportional to how much time there is before your next run.  How do you discover these three points you ask?  Just loosen any particular part on your hydroplane during a vintage event.  For example, we will use the wing nut for my battery cable attachment.  No matter where you drop the nut by accident as you are putting on or taking off the battery connection the result is always the same.  It falls down and without hesitation virtually leaps to a spot which cannot be reached by any means possible at a vintage event.  My wing nuts center of the universe is directly below my seat which is tightly bolted down with minimal clearance under it.  The second point, drop something in the cockpit or the engine compartment and whatever it is it makes a beeline for the exact center of your oil pan.  The third point.  Drop something near the front of your engine compartment.  Even with your hydro raised in the front sitting on the trailer you will still hear the distinctive sound the object makes as it rolls uphill to the front of the hydroplane and rests in a place that has not seen daylight since your hull was constructed.  What have I learned from all this you ask?  I think the Warren Commission and the ‘magic bullet theory’ are a proven scientific fact when viewed from inside my hydroplane at a vintage event.  The answer.  Carry a pocket full of wing nuts and rig up a device at home so you can eventually tilt your hydroplane at such a steep angle everything will break free from the ‘centers of the universe’ and pile up in your transom drain plugs.  You will be amazed what shows up. 

There is no joy in trailering your hydroplane.

No matter how you slice it this is probably the single longest event that takes away untold numbers of years from your life.  If you have personally restored your own hydroplane the effect is double.  I can put it another way.  If you smoke and your hydroplane racing friend does not, don’t worry.  A single season of him towing his restored hydroplane to and from an event does far more damage than any two pack a day habit could ever produce.

Get a good lawyer.

One thing I learned throughout the racing season is it may be a good idea to bring a lawyer with you to each one of your events.  Sometimes the lawyers are even fellow boat racers you meet but the key is to always have one around.  Why a lawyer you ask?  If you have a girlfriend, wife, friend or travel companion who comes along with you and likes to help out, you may want to fully understand how susceptible he or she is to bruising.  If a slight bump bruises them like they have been shot by a high powered rifle, you better have that lawyer handy or you may find yourself being dragged away by the authorities under an assault and battery charge.  This is especially apparent as the season comes nearer to the end.  The important consequences are as follows.  Number one, this may compromise your precious water time because it is difficult to drive with handcuffs and number two, nobody is going to believe this is what happens all the time on a hydroplane crew.  I will say for sure every bump and bruise you get while campaigning a hydroplane is worth it.  I’m just not so sure everyone else agrees with me.  This is where the lawyer comes in handy.

Throw your watch away.

I have often noticed when I’m ‘on vacation’ I forget what I do for a living, I have no idea what day it is and I ultimately have no use for a watch.  Add in launching and running a hydroplane and my brain is pretty much like oatmeal.  Any race regatta or vintage show is an enormous amount of up front planning and one little hiccup will completely change the day’s preset schedule.  You must force yourself to be comfortable with time related phrases that have unobvious dual meanings to a non-participant.  For example.  “We will not be on the water for another three hours” means exactly the same thing as “Hook your lifting straps to the waiting crane ball swinging above your head”.  The switch in meaning also usually occurs just as you have disassembled something on your hydroplane or have finally sat down to eat something.  Another example is the time of the drivers meeting.  I gave up on my watch after the second event because the 8:00 drivers meeting took place at 9:30 and vise versa.  Just wait until somebody yanks you out of your hydroplane or you look around to notice there is nobody except yourself standing around the vintage pits.  This is a sure sign the meeting is just beginning.  So what does this all mean?  Be ready at all times and the ‘hurry up and wait’ phrase is a statement of truth.  Of course, time makes no difference to either one. 

Where is that darn part?

Although I did not leave anything critical at home forcing my hydroplane to be left on the trailer at an event, (insert nervous knocking on wood sound here) it should be clearly understood that misplacing the five cent spring clip holding your chain coupler together will prevent you from running your hydroplane.  Once you thoroughly understand the hierarchy of parts on your hydroplane you will then appreciate the skilled accountability and precision for which each crew member operates.  I can make this point even clearer.  Forgetting your spring clip for your chain coupler is the same as forgetting to hook your boat up and tow it to the event.  Either situation the results are the same.  It is highly unlikely to find a spring clip that fits your 1960’s chain coupling and it is highly unlikely you will be given a free boat to drive.  In either case, you will be waving to your friends out on the course as they pass by the dock.  An organized pit truck and pit toolbox is a godsend.  It will take you a few races to figure out what exactly to bring and in the beginning you will either have too much or too little.  Just be organized.  Those are words to live by.  Of course, if you have anyone else in your pit crew you at least have somebody to blame if something is missing.  If you ARE the pit crew, you may develop a curious little flat spot in the middle of your forehead.

Don’t get discouraged.

There are so many things that have to occur flawlessly for us to get our precious water time.  Here is the deal.  Every once and a while there is something out of your control and no matter how hard you may have tried you are not going to get out on the water for the next run.  When this occurs, stand on the dock and help out your fellow participants.  It even helps to go up and offer somebody assistance when they are attempting to launch their hydroplane when you are too stupid to launch your own.  Many times knowing you were the key element in helping somebody else fulfill their dreams makes you forget about the run you just missed.  Well, O.K., I made that part up.  You will never forget.  Anyways, it sure is a nice gesture and the Vintage Family always takes care of their own.  Of course, when you do finally get in that run you are allowed to jump up and down, act cool, and proclaim you may be momentarily joining the active professional racing circuit.

Your hydroplane is gonna get wet.

Even though it is hard to believe, our hydroplanes do get wet when running on the water.  Some people view their hull as a work of art and some people view them as just another boat.  Here is my take on the situation.  To see fine art I have to travel to a museum and view marvelous paintings hung on the wall for public display.  The only way to put a hydroplane on ‘public display’ is to drag it out to the next vintage event.  I can tell you something which is 100% fact.  No matter how hard you advertise, people are not going to flock to your garage to see a wooden Picasso.  So consider the option of actually getting your hull out on the water at a vintage event.  Now I realize all to well the detail I put into the bottom of my hull which you will never see.  However, I have determined there is a distinct ‘awakening’ which can actually be viewed on a drivers face at a vintage event. This ‘awakening’ usually occurs once you see other vintage hydroplanes tearing around the course.  There is then a common thought that goes through the minds of us restorers when we finally get our chance.  “Why can’t I mash down this gas pedal any further and go even faster”?  I have been guilty of this but was also pleased to see the exact effect playing out in Clayton this past year.  Usually when one sponson bottom is ripped off you stop.  Most definitely after the second one is ripped off you slow down right?  Well, if you think stopping is the right answer you never really wanted to get your hydroplane wet in the first place.  To put it another way.  When you pass you engine cowling floating in the water you should be thinking “I wonder if anyone got a picture of that” or “I bet it happened because I was going too fast”.  It is amazing how a mosquito that landed right in the middle of your curing varnish causing a day long heart palpitation 6 months earlier has now been replaced by tearing sponsons and flying cowlings.  Just remember, there is always the winter to fix everything all over again.

Develop a thick skin.

Remember how your family and very close friends like to poke fun at you because they know how hard you try.  The Vintage Family is no exception.  It is all about having a great time, avoiding being squirted directly in the face, making new friends and being happy you are not the target of some silly misfortune.  Remember the movie Jaws?  Let’s just say when there is blood in the water, the sharks attack!  However, the fun part of this game is during the season it is a guarantee EVERYONE (the sharks included) will be at some point or another afflicted by the ‘silly misfortune’ syndrome.  The beauty of this guarantee is revenge can be a bunch of fun and sometimes you are even lucky enough to present the reveng-ee with the Golden Snorkle Award in front of a large crowd.

Is it all worth it?

Let’s just say, does anyone have a way for running these boat across the ice?  It is going to be a long winter up here in Michigan.  I hope to see everyone again next racing season.

©2002 Alan Radue & The Radue Pit Crew

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